Paul Ryan: Doomed?

   Recently, The Outsider partnered with Wikileaks to hack the database of the CPUSA, or Communist Party USA. Other than their glaring omission of the word “of” in their name, the CPUSA hack revealed a shocking detail. Speaker of the House Paul Davis Ryan, a strong Republican, was once a communist.

   According to the documents, Paul Ryan, while in college, joined the Ohio branch of the CPUSA. He once chanted, “Death to Conservatism”, while marching across Ohio’s border with Indiana, in his one-man March for Freedom. He also sprayed graffiti on the local GOP headquarters showing the Communist Hammer and Sickle.

   After retrieving this shocking information, The Outsider reached out to Paul Ryan’s staff for comments. We thought they would be unlikely to reply, as this marks the second time we broke stories that are sure to doom his career, but his official spokesperson gave us this brief statement:
Hello there,

We do not have anything to say about this matter. Obviously, your site is fake news (editor’s note: the real “fake news” is FOX and CNN) and we do not want to dignify it with a comment. That being said, the past is the past. Speaker Ryan should not be judged based on what he did as a youth in college. Surprisingly, he was once a youth, although Mr. Ryan still retains a certain boyish charm. Not that he ever did anything wrong.

Sincerely, Paul Ryan’s spokesperson

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